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Dec. 17th, 2012

Having transferred some of my posts about being in love to FB I realize I have crossed over into the warning sign stage of relationships. That stage in which outsiders seeing the relationship need a warning sign so that they can prepare an insulin shot or a barf bag. Part of me wants to inflict this on everyone else for a variety of reasons.
1. It's funny to watch other people react with gagging gestures and the like.
2. "Dammit it is my turn and I paid attention when you fell!"
3. Maybe this will make someone jealous (yep I have petty parts of me, and the someone really isn't specific)

Those are a few of the inflict reason and if those were my only reason I would probably skip it. Obviously I haven't skipped it. So why?

1. Spread the love. I actually like seeing people in love the only bad feelings I ever had about that were related to me not them.
2. Doesn't it deserve as much time as any rants or humor I might post? Love should never be second class.
3. It is a courageous act in my view because I know I am opening myself to ridicule and yet I want her to know I will face slings and arrows.
4. Not many good rooftops to yell from.

This brings me back to a common theme aka "Damn your moving fast!" Yep and that is some scarey shit. I got on a roller coaster, no not that, I climbed into a stock car on a racetrack. Why a stock car? It goes faster and there are turns but no ups and downs. If there was something that just went faster and faster, straight up overcoming the massive pull of gravity and flew into a bright sparkling sky...well I'd talk about that then. So on the is rocket ship ride I have myself convinced it will not end in disaster, despite the fact that I feel at times as if I am doing this without space suit, seat harnesses and other basic safety precautions. Seems odd but here is my reasoning. When I was younger falling in love I didn't know much. Squat one might say. I didn't know enough about myself and what I truly valued in my life and in my partner, how relationships work, how the logistics of life work and so much more. Now I do know, not everything and still have much to learn, but I know enough to choose better about who I am likely to work well with. I know what I am willing to experiment with, put up with and where my boundaries lie. I know enough to talk about boundaries with her and find out what are deal breakers. I know enough to be honest about all that. I know to see if I can enjoy more than just one part of her. Oddly enough all that is years of rational brain work and now intuition is taking over and the Rational brain is wondering where the safety gear is. It certainly may be needed but sometimes one has to have confidence in the design and you just go.

Luckily the rational brain still has enough pull that there have been no trips to Vegas, no joint financial ventures (dinner doesn't count right?) no new living arrangements, brief contact with children (prepped by the way). I say luckily because I'm ready to go crazy and move in together, plan retirement and funeral arrangements together, with everything in between. "Relationship" are only going to last about 6 months roughly, in 5 months I will be reassessing with a more thoughtful retrospective as to the nature of this beast. It can be difficult to decide what is being timid and what is being rational at times. I see both of us hesitating to say things, or do things. I have a few arbitrary deadlines in my head for when things can happen No vacations together before My birthday. No moving in together before Summer. No weddings or proposals before her Daughter's wedding (next October).

I'm scared about things I might do to screw things up, including my depression. We actually talked bout what would make the other mad. I also talked about my fears of depression. It is of course hilarious to me to talk about Buddhist fears. I fear the attachment, not to her or the relationship but the idea of what that relationship is or isn't, what it could be, or wont be. I fear going to fast for her and being a creeper, despite the fact that we have talked about this very thing. This is why of all the Bodhisattvas the one with a family and wife was most revered. Not worrying about all the possible things that could go wrong (aka suffering) while being in love and having children is amazing.

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agrnmn
Dec. 17th, 2012 07:31 pm (UTC)
That is true I'm deeper in this than all of my political stuff. And that's even without thinking dirty.
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