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Personal VURD request


Here I am once again sleepless in the middle of the night. Unanswered questions drive me nuts.  I don't know why I'm divorced. Other than she wanted to divorce me.  I got nothing I understood in our talks, or therapy sessions. Was I that bad? Was I that dysfunctional? My depression so awful? All of her aswers seemed yweak. Did she not want to hurt my feelings?  Because divorce hurts less. 

When I wake up in the middle of the night I can't seem to shut this part of my brain down. I lose enough sleep. Maybe no answer will ever be enough. Maybe there is no...no I don't believe there is no answer.  I wonder if she would tell me now?  I wonder if I'd except any answer? I'd like to try.  Obviously I get that we don't have great control of our emotions. Maybe that is it.  She fell for him and it was over.  Didn't I at least deserve to hear that?

Anyone know?

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( 11 comments — Leave a comment )
tafl_hols
May. 18th, 2011 11:17 am (UTC)
I doubt anybody really knows.

I was blindsided by both of my divorces. I was at the point where I saw a bright, shiny future for each of those marriages, that things were getting better for us in every aspect of our lives--and then got the "I want a divorce" bombs dropped on me.

Several months after my second divorce, my ex-wife sought me out and apologized to me. She'd been in therapy and figured out it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with her personal issues. I was simply the person closest to her and I was the whipping post as she dealt with her stuff.

I'm still uncertain as to why my first marriage collapsed. I've pieced together bits over the years and have a hypothesis. No idea as to how accurate it is. I also haven't ever gotten and deep and honest discussion of it with my first ex-wife, so I only have a hypothesis. I don't think I can expect anything more than that.

Divorce is an art, it seems, and there's precious little one can do to learn that art. That's why so many divorces leave so much extra pain in their wake.
agrnmn
May. 18th, 2011 11:35 pm (UTC)
With more time to respond (and a bit of prodding) I knew that something was off, but never considered it as bad as divorce. I don't expect any apologies or explanations. Once she makes her mind up a thing is done. We were done and there was no real point in full explanations. For her there wasn't a need for me to understand. Just to sign the paperwork. She went though a year of "couples counseling" that made little progress other than for me to get to ask questions that I wouldn't understand or accept the answer to.

I too have many a hypothesis. They vary on my mood. But all feel incomplete. I'm not one who typically feels a need for closure, can't actually think of a time I have, but this is an open wound, I really need to stop picking at it. Mostly I have but it caught me off guard last night.
tafl_hols
May. 19th, 2011 03:42 am (UTC)
There are times I'm still bothered by each of my divorces. I doubt those particular wounds will ever fully heal. That pain is just part of my existence, the same as the pain from wounds garnered in other relationships over the years.

It's all part of the human experience. That sort of pain occurs simply because we are imperfect creatures. Even when we respect each other and are good people, our hearts get damaged from the jostling that happens because we are different people. There is no need for malice to be involved for the wounds to be inflicted.

Those wounds bear witness to our essential humanity. I cherish my humanity deeply and I try to wear those wounds and scars with aplomb, if not some actual pride. I amy not manage to stay wrapped in my dignity when feeling the pain; I can only pray that other humans forgive me in those moments.
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lilia_blackbear
May. 18th, 2011 03:59 pm (UTC)
Yep, yep. I agree with both of these.

As one who did the leaving, I can honestly say I'm pretty sure I told him many, many times why I left. To this day, in a new marriage and all, he tells people and I'm sure he tells himself far from the truth as the reason I left.
agrnmn
May. 18th, 2011 05:32 pm (UTC)
That's part of what I am afraid of. She told me I didn't get it or ignore her or what ever. I guess what I heard never got to what I would consider the level of divorce.
agrnmn
May. 18th, 2011 05:38 pm (UTC)
Very much so. I see even more communication issues now and I keep hearing from people about how well we get along for divorced people. frankly I don't see any alternative we have kids.
agrnmn
May. 18th, 2011 05:35 pm (UTC)
Thanks. I agree. mostly I was suddenly awake in the middle of the night and after the conversation with my Mom, who is decidedly partisan, I was grumpy all anew. Needed to vent so I could go back to sleep.
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matchgirl42
May. 25th, 2011 02:40 am (UTC)
ninjitsu comment because I rarely check LJ
Late to the party, as usual. Ah well.

What I want to say is, Hell man, if you can figure out why some relationships fall apart and others don't, I would love to hear it. I've seen seemingly great relationships fall apart for no logical reason, and I've seen horrible relationships last and last, ones in which the participants seem like they would be much better off far from each other. (My parents being a prime example of the latter.)

I can sympathize. Sort of. I wish I had something eloquent to say, some wisdom to impart. Truth is I don't. There's a quote that's tantalizingly out of reach of my brain at the moment and, tickle my brain all that I can, it won't come to the surface.

But I'm here, and if you would like to talk to a sympathetic ear, I would be willing to listen.
( 11 comments — Leave a comment )